Love Matters

Have you ever dreaded an upcoming visit to your parent or grandparent who lives in a nursing home? I usually push through any resistance that might come up and go anyway. Making genuine contact with the residents, helps me to get used to the smell, the medication carts, and the boredom on the faces of staff and residents alike. 

Visiting my friend with Alzheimer's can be difficult but it always turns out to be interesting. I'm never sure where we will go together or if I will even be able to make contact. When I do, I celebrate. 

My friend was the last doctor in New York City to make house calls on a regular basis. His philosophy always was to give his best to his patients even if that meant leaving home in the middle of the night. My friend is genteel, kind, and concerned about others, even in the midst of his confusion. He has a vast history behind him that most of his caregivers in the nursing home are unaware of. That makes me sad. 

When some of them talk to him like he's 2 years old or when they announce out loud "It's time to change your diaper;" they are robbing him of his dignity.  Don't they realize that?

Friends say to me, "when I get old, just shoot me." No one wants to get old and become irrelevant. But you know what, people don't have to become irrelevant when they get old.

People like Deb (art therapist) and Houston (filmmaker) are participating in the movement to revolutionize the way we treat elders.  Both are way too young to be worrying about what will happen to them when they get old. Both are incredibly energetic, positive and both have already heard about Eden Alternative (a better way of dealing with the needs of older people). They get it! What a breath of fresh air!  

Houston and Deb spent the afternoon with me and several other volunteers, teaching us how we can participate in their new project. They create short video biographies of elders who live in a Chicago suburban nursing home, the Lieberman Center, which is in the process of changing to a more resident centered model. They create these documentaries specifically for the nursing home staff members. The idea is, if you know about a person's rich history, her cares, and her interests, you are more likely to treat her with the dignity that she deserves.

What if people who need care in their old age didn't lose the right to make choices about how to spend their days? What if they were surrounded by children, animals, families, and gardens? What if the choices came from the elders themselves rather than doctors, nurses, and their children? What if they were respected for the wisdom only gained by a rich and full lifetime? 

There are lots of ways to change the way we Americans treat our elders. You can find out more about the Eden Alternative in Dr.William Thomas' book, What are Old People For: How Elders will Save the World. 

You can also start visiting elders in your community as we do through Senior Connections and similar organizations in the Chicago area. For sure you'll make a new friend and maybe even discover a new talent. 

My friend, Marjory (pictured above) is now around 90 years old. Marjory is a published poet and natural born musician. We get together on Sunday mornings at her house, frequently she teaches me a new song. I try to sing while she plays magnificently, completely from memory. I can't think of anyplace I'd rather be at that moment! 

"In long-term care, love matters. And the heart of the problem is, institutions can't love. When we rethink our mass institutionalization of elders, when we do these things, we're not just making a better life for the elderly, we're making life better for everybody in every part of society."  Dr. Thomas